This Nightmarish Children’s Film Had the Worst Theatrical Wide Opening Ever

It is no secret {that a} movie’s opening weekend dictates its future in Hollywood. Make an enormous splash on opening weekend, and discuss immediately turns to sequels, franchises, and Pleased Meal toys. Sink on opening weekend, and you have written your individual dying warrant. Sink spectacularly, and also you grow to be the stuff of legend. A foul, horrific legend, however a legend nonetheless. However what in case you had been advised that the film Field Workplace Mojo cites because the worst theatrical large opening ever bombed so badly that you just probably have by no means even heard of it? Even DOA movies like Battlefield Earth and Gigli have notoriety, however The Oogieloves within the Huge Balloon Journey would not even register as that. And if that implies that a toddler is spared the horror of really watching it, then rely your blessings. I wasn’t (Collider, you owe me huge).

‘The Oogieloves within the Huge Balloon Journey’ is an Interactive Nightmare

The Oogieloves within the Huge Balloon Journey begins with the three Oogieloves showing on-screen: Goobie (Misty Miller voice, Eric Dunman in-suit), the degree-holding nerd; Zoozie (Stephanie Renz voice, Carol Sweeney in-suit), who can communicate each language (even animal!); and Toofie (Malerie Grady voice, Alex Greene in-suit), the man who appears like Milhouse from The Simpsons that simply desires to occasion on a regular basis. These Playmobil Individuals/Barney hybrids introduce the interactive side of the movie, which incorporates standing up and dancing when butterflies cross the display screen and sitting down once you see the turtles (you understand, interplay, just like the victims did in Noticed or Hostel). The movie then flies throughout – ahem – “Lovelyloveville” to the house of the Oogieloves, who’re simply waking up, ready to throw a shock birthday celebration for his or her sentient pillow, Schluufy (Taras Los).

They will want the assistance of their associates to get the occasion prepared on time. There’s Windy Window (Maya Stange), a magical window that has a creepy blue-faced girl who sings and talks, which is harking back to Jambi the Genie (John Paragon) from Pee Wee’s Playhouse. J. Edgar (Nick Drago) is a sentient vacuum cleaner (J. Edgar… J. Edgar Hoover… Hoover vacuum…get it?). Lastly, there’s Ruffy (Randy Carfagno), the Oogieloves’ pet fish, who has the funniest traces in the entire movie, like “It is enjoyable to swim once you get up. What am I saying? All I do is swim,” and “I’d quite drink salt water all day. Wait, I already do.” Sure, the funniest traces in the entire movie. 80+ minutes of hell. However there’s a tragedy when J. Edgar by chance releases the 5 magical balloons they purchased for the occasion! And thus begins the large balloon journey we had been promised, because the Oogieloves got down to discover their balloons. As a substitute of, you understand, simply going again to the shop to purchase extra.

The Oogieloves Set Off to Discover Their Magical Balloons in ‘The Oogieloves within the Huge Balloon Journey’

They discover the primary balloon on the treehouse residence of Dotty Rounder (Cloris Leachman), an aged girl unhealthily obsessive about circles, and her granddaughter, Jubilee (Kylie Dakota), who – get this – is obsessive about squares! They transfer alongside to seek out the second balloon on the milkshake café of Milky Marvin (Chazz Palminteri), who could make a milkshake out of something. The gang orders milkshakes with broccoli, beets, chocolate mint, and outdated fitness center socks. Hope the milkshakes are good as a result of to get the balloon again, they should win a milkshake consuming contest. There is a huge tune and dance about milkshakes, Zoozie talks to the cow, they usually win, leaving three extra balloons to go.

Balloon three is with music artist Rosalie Rosebud (Toni Braxton), who’s allergic to roses however denies it after which sings some sultry tune. To get the balloon, which is excessive up within the rafters (due to “helium density,” which each and every child understands), they make a trampoline, and Toofie/Milhouse bounces larger and better to get it, with the assistance of the youngsters within the viewers, in fact. The truth that most of them are both asleep or operating across the concourse at this level is irrelevant. Balloono quatro is by Bobby Wobbly’s (Cary Elwes) truck. Bobby is a cowboy, you see, who has a wobbly stroll. Genius.

The Oogieloves discover the final balloon on the prime of a windmill however get assist from Lola (Jaime Pressly), who speaks with what I believe is a Russian accent for some purpose, and Lero (Christopher Lloyd) Sombrero, who communicates by drum. The pair experience an enormous, flying sombrero and flamenco, solely one in every of which is beneficial in getting a caught balloon (that is proper, the flamenco). I am undecided if the title “Lola” is meant to be a intelligent joke that implies Lola and Lero, years aside in age, are romantically concerned, but when you are going to throw “helium density” out, you may as nicely. It is right here that Toofie’s pants fall down, but once more, a recurring gag, however fortunately, we do not see his oogielovin’. Having discovered all 5 balloons, they bicycle residence however by chance let go of them once more (no phrase of a lie, and the entire thing threatens to start out once more). However the balloons are lured again by the Oogieloves and the youngsters within the theater blowing kisses. They arrive simply as Schluufy wakes up – as a result of I assume pillows sleep lots – and have the shock occasion. Lastly, the movie reaches its long-awaited finish.

‘The Oogieloves within the Huge Balloon Journey’ Units the Normal

You might be probably not going to be stunned that the person behind Teletubbies and Thomas & Associates, Kenn Viselman, is the one accountable for unleashing the brightly-colored hell that’s The Oogieloves in The Huge Balloon Journey on Earth. His coronary heart was in the fitting place, along with his intent to introduce these new characters in an interactive film, one which allowed kids to sing and dance alongside their new associates on the film display screen. In an interview, Viselman stated, “We appeared on the expertise from a toddler’s standpoint, and as a substitute of claiming to the kid, come to the film and be an grownup, we would like them to come back to the films and be a toddler… let kids be kids.”

That Viselman, who had confirmed himself to be a savvy enterprise particular person along with his different properties, may so grandly drop the ball is astounding.For a movie with a manufacturing price range of $20 million, it seems like it might be extra at residence on the TV display screen, with solely the occasional crane shot justifying its existence as a film. On that notice, the Oogieloves might have discovered extra success on TV in shorter segments. 80+ minutes, interactive or not, is just too lengthy for preschoolers. The choice to introduce the characters within the film is questionable at finest, moronic at worst, and fully baffling when one other $40 million was spent on selling the movie, as per Leisure Weekly, but nobody would know an Oogielove in the event that they noticed one beneath their automotive wheels, and the very fact there was a film in any respect did not even register. Presumably, a lot of that cash went in the direction of the title actors like Elwes and Pressly. Cloris Leachman, per the Each day Mail, will surely be a great argument for that, giving a brief, one-word reply as to why she appeared: “Cash.”

Ah, the cash. Simply how unhealthy is The Oogieloves in The Huge Balloon Journey‘s record-setting non-performance? The great people at Leisure Weekly did the mathematics. The movie opened in 2,160 theaters, incomes $448,131 over its debut weekend. Per theater, that works out to $207, so if the typical ticket worth was $7, solely 30 folks noticed the movie. That is unhealthy.

The Oogieloves within the Huge Balloon Journey is obtainable to stream on Prime Video within the U.S. – however you have been warned.

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